01 December 2007

The will to fights...


I’ve been considering this topic for a few days straight yet I don’t have the time and enough urge to really put down my thoughts in it. Well, actually, the main point behind all this is ME TRYING TO RESIST A FEW ADDICTIONS in my life. I’m saying its an addiction because its come to a point that I know its bad for my own self (my heart and my mind to be exact) but I don’t have the power to REALLY resist it. It’s like I’m cannot live my life without it. Well, in my case its sports, anime and music (quite a deadly combination yeah??). Well, it seem silly to some people but I guess its big deals for me. I was trying and still trying to bring out the best in me ( which is fully understanding the real meaning of me as a muslim girl. I don’t want it to be just name. like some tag name you wear when you want and throw it out when you don’t feel like one)

I’ve realized that almost most of time were spend for those 3 (besides learning medic of course), and deep down, I can say that I’m struggling inside. Sometimes it’s like I can even hear my ‘own self’ arguing WITH my ‘own self’. The good part and the evil part. N of course, the ‘I’ part (as in me the writer.. haha)

Myself: come on, you should stop doing this!

Me : why should i? I like it n I’m happy with it.

Myself : its that all there is to your life? what’s your purpose in living? Is it just for fun, working, having family??

Me : who’s you trying to kid around? This is where you find the joy in really live it up.

Myself : I don’t want to just live it ‘here’. Here as in the world. The earth. How about your afterlife? Don’t wanna do something about that?? You sure you gonna go to heaven is it?

…………………. Here, I’m starting to have some really deep thoughts…………

As if the two me don’t freaks me yet??? OMG!!!!!

Hmmmmmm… I don’t know. Lets take futsal for example. The league has just ended and for the first time in my life here in Moscow, I’ve got 2 gold medal straight. N I really got sentimental over my 1st medal here. Gosh!! I’ve really enjoy all the games, the struggling to win and keep it together between the teammates, all those time we spend practicing in the cold winter-like-autumn-weather behind the Kahov’s hostel.. n I do enjoy screaming to the top of my lungs cheering my hearts out for my friends out there. But then I realize, this is not the proper way for a muslim girl to acts around. Well, you know futsal, it’s a boy’s game to start with. Whats good in it girls kicking and running around the courts running after the ball?? (I’ve remembered that once my PJ’s teacher used to say that football is not a girl’s game coz its actually not good for your reproductive system.. ). What can I say, after knowing all this, I’m still playing coz I REALLY LOVES IT.

For music and anime parts, I’m trying my best to limit it to the times that I really really need it. Which it like – almost most of the time… I’m such a loser here. Japan’s anime – well some can be really good for you in terms of not getting stressed having exam and all that, but how about all the wasted time you spend for it?? The ‘hentai’ part?? And music… the time you spend wishing that someone dedicating you that kind of songs. The time you were deep in thoughts of having the ‘one’ Mr right?( ex : No promise from Shayne Wards, Lelaki ini Anuar Zain…All the Way Celine Dion and the list go on and on ) ………

For now, I’m gonna give myself a 2 weeks trial time. Starting at square 1. GOOD LUCKS TO ME!! I’m not saying I’m gonna put off everything I like, I just want to limit it to just the good part only. If I can make it. The war within yourself. Like the saying goes : face your greatest enemy – yourself! Its you that can make the difference.

3 comments:

Sarah Mohd Shukor said...

salam baiz.

what a good thoughts of urself. tp betul sgt. the greatest enemy is ourself.
eh eh. siap kluar fact x elok utk reproductive system tu. hehe.
awk cycle apa ye last month ni? smga happy2 sllu ye. bosan2 meh singgah rmh sy lg.
ehem. ada org tu dh nk menua la *smile*

DDeden said...

salam baiz

thks 4 the drop-in. :)

you are challenging yourself to improve, and grateful for the opportunity.

that's a healthy combination, just add a drop of moderation. :)

alhamdulillah

baiz said...

hehe. thank you sarah.. sy mmg ada pk nk lepak rumah awak nnt, hehe (menjemput diri sendiri).. sy tgh cycle gynae n surgery nih,penat sket coz kelas jauh2. insyaAllah bl ada ms k? hehe ^_^