04 April 2010

battle of priority

It has been 3 months.
3 months of utter 'bliss' in surgical department.
3 months of pure silence, helpless struggle for continuously reminding myself why i am here for...

and being a lowly human as i am, as much as i'm ashamed to say it..
the truth is that.. somehow, i lost.
The darker side of me win.
(hopefully not forever..)

Hospital.. a place that should be a constant remembrance of death as often as you breath the air has somehow becomes the first place that reminds me about living it up..
And i guess that is how it all got wrong. Life with no balance turns your world upside down.

In surgical department, sometimes the oncall times can get more than nasty. Your on your own, and patient's life hanging by a thread. A simple mistake you make can cost a life. So far, somehow i've managed to avoid that.. though inevitably, everytime i oncall, there'll be mortality for sure. Till my MO call me the bringer of death. Hah!! Can you imagine that?

I've become numb to death. Lost count of the 'passing' already. Unthinkable yet its true. The novelty of dying somehow harden myself beyond reason. (and i definitely dont want that!) And so here i am. reminding me back of those unforgettable and unexpected farewell moments:

  1. the sudden gasping for air as though the whole world has suddenly devoid of those precious air you breath in every single seconds..
  2. the intractable choking that screams out the hell out of the watchful eyes of the family members despite of the MAXIMUM dosage of midamorphine (sedation) you've given to patient.
  3. the eerie sound of life supports machine that suddenly pick that exact time to become effectively defective.
  4. the unfocus fixed staring eyes that somehow boring right into your soul if you dare looks right past it.
  5. and the lifeless cold limbs that just a few minutes ago warmthly held on to you...
Yes.. saddening but its true. its hard living as a doctor. Harder it seems for me because i currently living myself like a lost sheep without its herd. And A LOST SHEEP I AM. T_T

I've lost ME in the battle of priorities. Ive gained all the wonderful humane's satisfaction form my job but unfortunately, it drowned me deeper into the dungeon of darkness.

There is nothing more shocking than receiving a cold douse of hard reality that knocks you right back to the ground.. and for that i'm eternally grateful that there are still strands of help for me here.

I'm starting my 2 weeks of hell in periphery starting tomorrow. There's giant hurdles i need to overcome.. but insyaAllah.. MY COMEBACK IS ON!!!

What is life without goals right? And what is goals if it doesn't bring you back to HIM? And there is absolutely no one who can help you if you yourself refuse to help yourself. So eventhough it will sound like i'm bragging here.. (and forgive me for that).. i need to say this out loud more for myself... I AM A FIGHTER!!! (AND THANK GOD HE LET ME BE ONE). <3

For my juniors out there, i know Russia is a dangerous playground, but hey.. it is way more dangerous if you end up like me.. (and i'm spoken out of true experience here..)Please be safe no matter where you are..

If God willing.. may He let us meet each other again. Jaga diri baik2 yea.
Apa yang korang semua dapat di sana SANGAT2LAH BERHARGA.. please appreciate it and use your time wisely. Doakan kebaikan dan kesejahteraan kami di sini..