On the streets of life.

What are the things that you love most about life? And about living? Have you ever take the time to just sit back-relax-and-notice all the beautiful sign of love, live and humanity all around you? Ok, I admit, there are a lot of bad things happen all around us everyday and almost on every corner of the earth, all this just give me all the more reason to appreciate what’s coming my way, and enjoying what’s life have to offer.

Gestures of love and friendship.

1. semalam, otw nak g surgery’s seminar (hospital tempat sy blaja skrg nih adalah central hospital, so every Friday surgeon from all surgery hospital all around Moscow akan dtg bg report psl case2 yang diorg terima sepanjang minggu tuh), sy ternampak sorg doctor perempuan nih accidentally terjumpa kawan lama dia (2-2 dah agak tua dan berisi). Memandangkan masing2 busy, jadi kedua mereka nih pun sempat bersembang sekejap ajer.. tapi cara mereka berinteraksi tuh (sebelum diorang berpisah, salah sorg doctor tuh cubit lemak perut kawan dia, tanya kenapa leh jadi sampai macam tuh.. hehe) nampak comel sangat2 dan sgt happy sampaikan saya terfikir, adakah saya akan dapat peluang mcm nih jugak – aging gracefully, still working in helping people, and have truthfully meaningful friendship along the way…
2. last week, saya ke yuzhnaya nak beli bekalan ayam untuk dimasak. Walaupun waktu saya pergi tuh malangnya ayam tak ada (sy end up beli daging ngn turkey jer), tapi saya dpt satu pengalamn yang pada saya agak berharga juga.. sebab saya rasa tak semua orang boleh merasainya. Dalam koridor panjang nak ke metro tuh, ada lah seorang pak cik tua nih main saxsofon. Saxsofon tuh saya tengok dh agak lama, tapi masih kuning berkilat, dan bunyinya masih agak well tuned (menunjukkan tuan punyanya memang sangat sayang dan pandai menjaganya). Lagu yang pak cik tuh mainkan, bunyi dia sayu sangat2… seolah2 macam merayu seseorang yang sangat dikasihi tapi dah lama tak berjumpa.. pulanglah.. (masa tu saya terbayang P.Ramlee menyanyi.. hehe, over imagination kan??) . Mungkin ini antara sebab kenapa saya suka dengar orchestra’s music kot..tak pun yang instrumental punya. coz every piece yang dimainkan ada cerita yang cuba disampaikan. Ada emosi di sebalik setiap note yang dimainkan tuh.. (cakap mcm sy nih hebat jer dlm music kan??hehe. In truth, sy mmg tak berbakat pun dlm music nih.. dulu pernah masuk kelas music, tapi tak tercatch up, but at least I know I have the heart to feel it. )

Gestures on humanity.

1. kalau naik metro kat sini (train bawah tanah), chances untuk jumpa pengemis tuh memang sangat tinggilah… ada yang nampak macam bukan pengemis pun ada. Baru2 nih, ada seorang lelaki nih, masuk gerabak saya untuk minta sedekah. Lelaki tuh nampak macam average guy, pakai baju biasa2 jer, sambil pegang satu CT scan film of a skull , lelaki nih pun bercerita lah perihal anak perempuannya yang sakit.. dia siap menangis lagi.. setakat yang saya nampak dan paham, kalau tak silap budak perempuan tuh ada brain tumour, need to do operation fast, tapi dia tak ada duit nak bayar the operation fees (memang kat Russia, medical expenses kena bayar sendiri.. masa kat surgery hospital waktu saya 3^rd year dulu, even kain pembalut tuh pun diorg kena sediakan sendiri.. so bersyukur lah kita duduk di Malaysia yang kalau masuk hospital kerajaan tuh, bayar murah jer untuk semua sekali..especially untuk sesape yang under government’s service.). waktu tu saya terfikir sama ada lelaki nih mmg pandai berlakon ataupun dia betul2 seorang ayah yg sedang terdesak nak selamatkan anaknya. Ada lah 2-3 orang yang hulurkan duit kepada lelaki tuh. Masih ada lagi yang sudi menolong di kala kita kesusahan. Kalau ada orang minta sedekah tuh, kalau kita tak nak bagi duit/apa2 kepadanya, janganlah kita herdik or hinakan dia.. setiap peminta sedekah nih ada haknya walaupun dia datang dengan naik kuda. Mungkin masa ini kita senang, esok2 kita tak tahu. Maka, rajin2lah menyimpan duit untuk masa hadapan.. jangan boros2 berbelanja.. nanti tak pasal2 jadi kawan baik syaitan pulak..

memang ada banyak pro and con bila kita nak tolong orang nih.. kat malaysia pun selalu jer kita dengar macam2 kes, kena rompaklah, terlanggar kereta sket pun mengamuk2 sampai bunuh oranglah, kes culik budak2, rogol lagi.. Nauzubillah.. tapi saya rasa itu x bermakna kita boleh wat hal sendiri aja.. sikap saling membantu dan bersangka baik tuh masih diperlukan. Be optimistic but not stupid or naïve.

1. dulu saya pernah tolong seorang pak cik tua nih. Waktu tu, saya otw nak balik ke rumah dari kelas, saya ternampak pak cik nih terjatuh dan cermin matanya tercampak. Disebabkan salji tebal dan licin, dan pak cik nih pun tak nampak tanpa cermin matanya, so pak cik nih susahlah nak bangun. Saya pergilah ambilkan spek dia, bg dia pakai, n pegang tangan dia nak bangunkan dia, alih2 bila dia dah bangun n pakai spek, dia tak mahu pulak lepaskan tangan saya.. tarik punya tarik pun, pak cik tuh x nak lepaskan jugak.. cuak gila masa tuh.. dah lah tak da sesapa kat situ. tiba2 dtg seorang lelaki lain, datang tlg sy pulak.. dia tolong lepaskan tangan saya dan suruh saya pergi terus.. (See, help comes in a mysterious and in unexpected way). Walaupun saya yang nak menolong orang tapi in the end saya yang ditolong, still all well end up well. Perasaan takut sy waktu pak cik tu tak nak lepaskan tgn sy tu still takleh nak justify perasaan guilty sy kalau sy betul2 tgglkan ajer pak cik tuh terkontang-kanting sorang2 tgh sejuk tuh..

so, apa yg saya boleh cakap adalah : kalau betul niat kita baik nak tolong orang, dan kita percaya pada-Nya, insyaAllah Dia takkan biarkan kita dalam kesusahan atau biarkan kita teraniaya. Even kalau kita ditimpa malang sekalipun, kalau kita bersabar dan anggap itu semua ujian dari-Nya, in the end, kita juga yang untung.

down d memory lane..

tiba2 teringatkan adik kesayangan saya, Ayu namanya. adik sy yg suka mengomel mcm kakaknya juga.. hehe =P. kisah kehidupan adik sy nih sepanjang proses dia membesar memang byk onak dan durinya.. kerja kluar masuk hospital, tukar sekolah dan pindah rumah berkali-kali.. sampai dh lost count... dan apa yang wat sy sedih adlh disebabkan sy tak berkesempatan nak menolong adik sy nih melalui semua tuh. sebagai anak yg tengah, she's a bit like a black sheep in the family. lepas sy n abg ke asrama, adik sy nih cam hilang punca sket.. tiba2 dia jadi cam anak sulung, dan dgn perangainya yg malas nk carigaduh tuh, even si zati yg umur 6 thn lg muda dr dia boleh buli dia.. aiii.. sian Ayu. alkisahnya kami memang rapat, a bit opposite but complementary... we have the same difference. sy ingat lg ms sy mula2 masuk Syed putra dl(form 1), Ayu demam smp seminggu sbb terlalu rindukan sy.. apa taknya, ms dia kecik2 dl, dia punyalah takut sy tgglkan dia smp sy g toilet pun dia ikut tgg kat dpn pin2, make sure sy tak tiba2 hilang.. hehe.. (actually, cam dh jd normal routine kat rumah bila adik2 sy sense sy nak kluar rumah for a long time - for study/camping/blk kg sendiri/etc.. mlm sblm nk kluar tuh, for sure sy tak leh tido sbb kena penyek ngn 2 little devil tuh, pgg sy smbl tido takut hilang bila bgn pg.. OMG... rasa syahdu lah pulak.... T_T)

ok, back to her story. kdg2 sy ada rs kesal sbb somehow sy rs sbb kami rapat sgt, lps tuh tetiba sy takda di rumah utk tempoh ms yg lama, adik sy nih cam 'dipaksa' membesar dan matang cepat sgt.. seolah2 mcm i steal all the fun n let her have all the oh-so-totally-not-fun-part. sy ingat lg ada 1 time tuh, waktu tuh Ayu darjah 4 n sy dlm tgktn 4, adik sy nih rsnya nak belikan sy bezday present, tp dia x da duit kot or tak tau mcm mn, so dia buatkan sy satu kad nih.. drpd kertas buku tulis line tuh.. tulis ngn pensel jer pun.. tp pd sy kad tuh mmg sgt2 bermakna.. coz i know it really comes from her heart.. Ayatnyer wat sy termenangis sbb sgt terharu n sedih (dh lah ms sy jumpa kertas tuh, sy tgh dlm kelas add math, malu gile.. cikgu ingat sy sedih sbb x dpt jwb soalan.. hehehe.. apadaaaa... Ayu selitkan kertas tuh dlm buku teks Add math sy yg sy jrg bukak.. hehe.. kantoi malas wat add math)..

'zura bagaikan bayang2
tenggelam timbul
selalu hilang...'

ada lagi part2 yg lain.. tak nak lah tulis semua.. simpan utk kenangan sy..
apa2 pun, sy harapkan yg terbaik utk adik2 saya especially Ayu.

dear sis :

hear me out.
hear me say
make my day
shine like ray

as you grow
you should know
from problem you should not hide
coz i'm here by your side

count on me
count me in
fill me up
n dont give up

trust your heart
let Him guide
through the fall
through it all

Kick out the lazy bones.

Malaysia is a ‘hot’ country. No doubt about that. The hot weather; plus all the fuss over new leaderships for 5 states won by the oppositions; I’m starting to wonder: when all the talk will stop? When the work will start? Well, no need to rush them. They need the time. How about the rest of us? I say it’s already way past time to kick out the lazy bones [bold reminder for all of us], get out from the ever-comfort zones and realize what we have been forgetting before: not to take things for granted and the importance of looking ahead of us. Please don’t be like Patrick. T_T. (From the famous Sponge Bob cartoons). Live a life that is meaningful and larger than the life itself.

Living thousands miles over the sea for nearly 5 years and going back once per year to my lovely-heaven-country Malaysia makes me realize that we Malaysians often ‘overlook the picture’ and fuss over the unimportant things too much. Things starting to change nowadays but it’s not only the politics and Malaysia’s future bliss that need to be saved. It’s OUR ATTITUDE. A column writes by Raja Zarith Idris about Mind over Matters points out this: the ‘glories’ of Malaysians. He writes about how the Malaysians react to life after 5 decades we celebrate The Independence Day. The economic, education and life status of most of Malaysians are already high enough that they can purchase whatever they wish, at any price, and any time provided that most of us nowadays are fully equipped with the internet and online technology. Unfortunately the levels of reading in Malaysians are the other way around. How sad, we are really in the ‘New Fridge Syndrome’. He quotes an extract from Hope in Hell: Inside the World of Medecins Sans Frontieres by Dan Bortolotti.

“In his book, Dan Bortolotti recounted how Peter Lorber, a Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors Without Borders) volunteer, was given advice by the other, more experienced members about coming home to America after a mission abroad:

“When I took the first training course at MSF there was a joke going around called New Fridge Syndrome: You’re going to go off on your mission and you’re going to come home, you’re going to be sitting at the dinner table with your family, and you’re going to want to tell everyone about your mission – what you saw, the corruption, the dead people, the happy things. And your mother’s going to look at you and say, ‘Hmm, that’s wonderful. Did I tell you we got a new refrigerator?”

“Some returned experts are burning to share their stories and raise awareness in their own countries. But they soon realize that people don’t want to be told how lucky they should feel ... When they flush the toilet, they don’t want to be reminded that some refugees in a faraway land don’t get that much water in a day ...”

During the 50th year of Merdeka, do the younger Malaysians, want to be told over and over how things were before Merdeka was achieved? Perhaps they, like the Americans who are told by MSF volunteers how lucky they are, do not want to be reminded of their comfort zone.

In Ramadan, as stalls laden with food and dishes sprout up everywhere, do we really want to be reminded how lucky we are compared to the peoples in Darfur, Sudan, or in Gaza? Oh, believe me, I think based on the level of comfort we pampered ourselves everyday, we wont survive long IF we do happen to be in that place and bizarre situations. (God forbid, I certainly don’t want to be there without preparations, professionally or personally…)

Most Malaysians work not because they want to be in an office from 9am to 5pm every weekday but because they have a family to feed and bills to pay. What is happening in other countries isn’t as real as trying to secure a future for their children and themselves.

Where do we stand in all of this? Don’t get caught in the ‘storms of foolishness’. Sometimes, it is easier to help one person than aim to help thousands. But don’t forget, we should start with ourselves first, then and only then can we help others.

Gratefulness and happiness in life belong for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of life they lived.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I’M EXPLODING

Last Thursday was such a bad day for me – a day where I finally knew how does it feel to be consumed by so much hatred and angriness that I feel like I’m going to explode any time soon; and believe me, I did my best to ‘channel’ it into the right way by any means possible, I used all my tricks up the sleeves; and thankfully – anger management is one thing I do best (for the time being).. ^_^

There was this one teacher – that for the time being we (me and most of my group mates) ‘rightfully’ declared that she was the worst one ever; for the-MOST-wasting time for waiting-and not so teaching-kind of teacher. She’s a good doctor and actually can be a good teacher if only she can be in the right time of class. Our class timetable should finish at 4.30pm everyday and we usually ended up to 5.30 or 6pm because that’s the only possible hour that she can afford to see us.

What that make me mad the most is that she couldn’t be bother to at least make the timetable a bit later in the evening so that it can suit for both sides of the group – us and her. Having to wait for 3-4 hours in a very close space locked inside with 10 people everyday is not my idea of ‘conducive learning place’ especially if you have to try read and understand it by yourself first. We usually ended up playing some word games, bingo, killer game or whatever that our tired and fed up mind could think of. On our very last day of cycle (where she should sign our zachot for finishing the cycle successfully), she let us wait till 4.40 pm when she finally comes in to teach and of course, I know she tried to do her best to cover up all the 4 topic that she just let us come to class previously and go back for nothing (since she didn’t come to class at all and let us go back after sending her assistance to check our attendance), she dragged our LAST class till 6.30pm!! I seriously think that at that time she gonna dragged the class till 8 pm. Please kindly tell me, who can understand psychiatry late in the evening when you’re hungry, tired, fed up and angry? I’m restless, red-flushed with the gnawing hate and anger and I definitely cannot stand her at that time.

I’ve tried my best to distract myself from getting angry at her at that time. I’ve scrabbled so many ‘disturbed’ drawings that no man could possibly understand of, watch and written every single details of the small room we are in; and trust me – I did make a very detail description of the room and the things inside. [3mx6.5m in square, one big white old door which have only holes to lock for on the other end of the room and one big Russian’s window on the other side, a once leaking white sink at the right side of the door with mirror above it and red pale pail as a dustbin below it, a few unwanted stacked up black chairs at the side of the room, a very old and noisy cream color fridge with a white paper written with Russian letters telling us not to pull off the plug, a plastic bottle filled with water ¾ level and a bunch of sticks inside for only God knows why on top of the fridge, and the list go on and on..] You’ve got my meaning right? I try to sit very still as to not making myself ‘burst up in flame’ if I’m getting too restless, and when I finally reaching home, I straight away go to bathroom, unleash all my anger to the poor cloth that I stocked up supposing to wash on the day after and take a cold-soothing bath.. Then, I pray and reading Quran.. and thank God.. I finally get rid of the anger. Quite a handful one yeah?? Hehe. If I do have hypertension, I surely be in ICU already for suddenly having a hypertensive crisis.. hehe ^_^. Thankfully, I’m not so easy to being angry or getting mad.. Except this one. I guess the ‘feeling’ bottled up for a month subconsciously and resurfaced all at once at that time.

Piece of advice for myself and everyone reading this:

1. Control your self especially your anger. Anger is NEVER good for you. Learn to control it and channel it the right way. (I at least finish washing my clothes...)
2. A teacher is always your teacher no matter how good or bad she/he is. You cannot blame her/him for not being the ideal teacher but you should blame yourself for not being an ideal student. As the saying goes, if you want something to be interesting, you have to be interested in it first.
3. Get real. Life is like that. No sweet end for you all the time.
4. Getting angry at your teacher means that you won’t get barakah for the knowledge that you get from the teacher... And that means, it will be a 2 losing time for you... You surely don’t want that, don’t you??
5. Please, for your own sake, let the anger flow. Don’t bottle it up. The space required is VERY BIG… and we (human being) don’t have one. Well, not while we’re still sane though.

Manage your life and your ANGER issue wisely and carefully. Good lucks!!

SILENT CRY FOR HELP. URGENT

Shocked to read the title? This is the story of one of my dear close friend (whose name and place cannot be mentioned). She’s just like any other normal girl. Found out the long-waited-Mr.-One and Only, Mr.-whom-I-like-to-get-married-to, Mr.-Perfect, the-Knight-saving-the-Damsel-in-Distress all in one package. Except that he’s not actually quite one. When they’re ok, she’s glowing so bright and so happy that you felt that this is what it feels to finally met the one. Unfortunately, the sky is never blue and clear all the time. There are always times for black clouds, thunder and lightning to gather to. And there’ll be storm once in a while.

She’s barely hanging there. Last time I talk to her, she clearly looked like she almost lost it. She looks like a walking zombie (literally). She radiates such a black gloomy aura around her that you cannot help but feel it too. Deeply in grieve, confused, betrayed, and yes lonely even though she have one. It pains me to see her like that when she’s actually one of my consoler. What a wonder actually to see what the unreal love can do to you…

All I can do for her is just back her up in my do’a just like what she wants me to. Although I’m clearly sure that what I’m gonna ask Him for her is not the same as to what she wanted. She wanted ‘them’ to be together, happy again like always, married with kids, while I’m just hoping that He gives her what best for her. All that I can say to her is that in times like this, the most important thing is TO KEEP BELIEVING IN HIM, never ever lose faith in him, and He knows what best for each one of us. And of course, everything happens for a reason. All the suffering that we’ve been through WILL be gone. We will get through it as long as you still have Him in your heart. Whenever you ask Him for something, He will give it to you; it’s just a matter of time – short or long. And if not, He will give you something else – better than before. That’s His promise.

Well, I think I need to point the obvious here. THE ONE AT FAULT IS US. We are the one that close the road; blocks the blessings from Him. When something goes wrong, we get nervous or moody and started asking help from Him (finally..!). When the help doesn’t look like its gonna come or what we wish for somehow haven’t happen yet, we’re getting angry, restless, and blaming Him for not helping us or for whatever bad things that happened. Worse, there even person who lose faith entirely to God.

Why don’t we take some time to reflect, look back deep within ourselves… we are the ones that makes all the kind of things that keep putting us away from Him day by day. We’re not even do what we’re supposed to do (the least is amal makruf nahi mungkar); at the same time we expect Him to just grant all our wishes?? Be wise and think again… Do not let yourself being consumed in the endless-helpless-bottomless-pit of suffering. Come back to Him- the REAL ONE AND ONLY.