perfect distraction

- just some scribble down life notes -


I find it very upsetting that work currently has become MY BIGGEST PERFECT SCORE TEN DISTRACTION. such a trivial thing that ends up eating my passion for 'true' life. Struggling and contentment is there but i can hardly say it's an achievement.


I've finally reached the time where i can safely said i'm comfortable enough in medical posting, and yet here comes another hurdle: my fighting or should i call it my REBEL spirit is fiercely awaken.. and IT clouded me againts my better judgement. Who am i to fight my own ward specialist who is also the specialist in charge of HO: whose action can pretty much be summarize into two words: mostly intolerable and egoistical. She reminds me so much of my own previous two bosses from ortho although i thinks she's the lesser of the two evils (hehe.. pardon me for my language here).


One of my fellow junior from M2 is here in Taiping and from time to time we met and have lunch with each other. I'm proud with her for staying and keep on fighting. For those who's in their own battle out there (whether in your studies, baby on the way ^_^, works, etc..) hang in there.. you'll gonna make it fine insyaAllah. JUST DON"T GO THERE ALONE... if you get what i mean.





ps: I'm currently renting outside. The first time ever i went to GIANT to buy the groceries for my first self cooked dinner in months after starting works.. the experience reminds me so much of Ashan and Moscow. Hehe. Except the part that i can buy almost everything possible in Giant.
NAnti jemputlah datang rumah ye adik-adik. My door is always open <3

battle of will

Today, i got scolded for nothing, from one of the MO here in medical.
For the first time ever in medical, finally i feel stressed. Haha. So ironic.
But thanks to him, i feel reenergize to fight back.
(because in medical you got tired up by the never ending job and by the infinite number of cases you get per day per ward)




Its always come back to one thing.
The battle of will.
No one ask us to be the winner all the time.
BUT NEVER EVER be a QUITTER!

>>>> a very big welcome to my junior who get posted here in Taiping.
your life here will be harsh, but dont worry,
i know you can survive this.
WE can survive this together.

my advice for those who think they're having a tough time right now:
SPEAK TO HIM.
ASK FROM HIM
and PUT ALL YOUR PROBLEMS IN A POCKET WITH A HOLE IN IT.

=)

ps: AKM, YONG - busy blaja yek? senang2 nnt mesej saya yea.

biarkan cinta berkata tidak!

Recently, i get to know someone special. Someone whom once you get to know him, i'm very sure you will remember him very well. In my case, he stole a permanent place in my heart. Setiap hari, kalau tak jumpa, mesti rasa tak kena.

Umar Daniel. Orangnya kecil saja. Bermata bulat macam mata ikan, ada lesung pipit di sebelah kanan pipinya.. manis betul. Pandai nak bermanja-manja.. mesti nak kena pegang tangan selalu.

Namanya tak seindah kisah hidupnya.
Born as prem @ 29 weeks, with the size of mineral water bottle, weighing only 960g. Rape case. Mother only 15 years old. Unwanted baby. Born with so many medical problem.. just name it: intraventricular cyst, chronic lung disease secondary to prolonged ventilation, PDA in failure - currently post ligation, Retinopathy of prematurity stage III, GERD.

Sekarang ni, Umar dah umur 4 bulan. Berat pun dah 2.5kg. Dah cam suara orang2 yang rajin pegang dia.. Dah pandai buka mata bila orang panggil namanya. Pandai demand jugak. Susu mesti nak yang suam.. tak boleh sejuk2. Emak sendiri cuma datang tengok dia 2x saja. Itu pun datang hantar pampers, tak pegang pun. Tapi, Allah tu Maha Kaya. Mungkin keluarga dia sendiri tak sayangkan dia, tapi dia ada ramai 'emak' lain. Langsung tak kurang kasih sayang. Sekarang dia dah ada cradle sendiri dalam wad.

Melihat Umar, saya betul2 sedih. Saya berharap sangat dia akan dapat keluarga yang betul2 sayangkan dia, dan besarkan dia jadi pemuda yang bagus. Biar sejarah hitam kisah kelahiran dia jadi penyebab untuk dia lebih berjaya dan lebih dekat dengan Allah. Saya harap sangat2 dia akan jumpa cinta luar biasa~ cinta seperti Nabi NUh, Nabi Lut dan Nabi Ibrahim yang telah berkata tidak kepada cinta2 yang lain kerana CINTANYA mereka pada Allah.





Sayangkan anak tangan-tangankan.
Sayangkan keluarga, muhasabahkan cinta itu.
Rela dan tegalah berkata TIDAK demi cinta.
Marah biarlah kerana Allah.
Biarkan dengan kemarahan itu, makin subur rasa cinta dalam jiwa.
Jangan undur langkah dalam pengamalan syariat, kerna anak-anak nanti akan undur sepuluh langkah lebih ke belakang.
Cegahlah kemungkaran itu dengan kuasa dan dengan kata-kata.
Nah! barulah jadi baitul muslim yang diimpi-impi!

Biarkan cintamu berkata tidak!
Insya-Allah cinta itu akan kekal sampai bila-bila...

betul tak??

RAHSIA KASIH ALLAH

Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Amat besar rahmat yang Allah kurniakan pada saya. Menyingkap kisah perjalanan hidup hampir setahun saya bergelar HO di bumi Taiping ni, saya hampir2 rebah dan lemas. Alhamdulillah, pintu kurnia Allah itu Maha Luas buat hamba2Nya yang mencari-Nya. Saya yakin dengan janji2 Allah yang Dia TIDAK AKAN SEKALI-KALI meninggalkan hamba2Nya andai masih ada sekelumit rasa kehambaan dalam diri manusia itu.

Dengan datangnya Ramadahan kali ini, saya cuba sandarkan ia agar jadi batu loncatan kembali ke medan juang dengan langkah lebih gah, lebih bermakna berbanding sebelumnya (harap yang membaca ini pun ada resolusi sebegitu..). Biar jadi bersih dan membersihkan. Moga bersinar terang cahaya hidayah Allah di hati-hati yang malap suram dan gersang tanpa hujanan iman.

Satu-persatu petunjuk Allah datangkan. Tak terhitung agungnya kasih sayang Allah itu. Teringat saya kepada Umi yang akhirnya setelah sekian lama hanya suara jadi galang-ganti, Allah temukan kami. Pada asalnya, saya yang tiba-tiba kena menggantikan kawan saya oncall pada hari Jumaat semalam dah berkeputusan nak melepaskan peluang ikut serta jaulah sisters di rumah Umi di Ipoh (mengenangkan saya takda transportation pergi dan balik dan tambahan pula saya oncall esoknya..). Saya pinta Allah tunjukkan jalan sebaik2nya untuk saya. Pagi Khamis tu, MasyaAllah.. Dia berikan saya petanda yang paling tepat..kena terus ke batang hidung.

Pagi hari bertuah tu, Allah datangkan kami seorang speaker yang lain sikit caranya mengendalikan majlis. Kami diberikan secebis kertas kecil dan diminta menyenaraikan 3 benda yang dirasakan perlu dan dengan adanya benda itu, semua orang jadi lebih semangat nak datang kerja dan Hosp Taiping ni pun jadi tempat yang lebih menggembirakan. Selepas tu, katanya, apa yang kami tulis tu, itulah sebenarnya satu-satunya benda yang diri masing2 sangat2 perlukan sekarang + itulah satu2 nya benda yang kita benar2 ambil berat lebih dari yang lain, dan tanpanya kita tak dapat hidup dengan gembira. Katanya lagi, itulah bendanya yang susah untuk kami dapat dan rasakan nikmatnya.. dia kata kalau kami BETUL2 NAKKAN benda tu, kamilah yang kena CARI PELUANG mewujudkannya... HUhu.. T_T.. saya tulis satu benda je: saya nak ada 'spiritual meeting' sekurang-kurangnya sekali seminggu, lebih kerap lebih bagus.

Nah!! Dah ada peluang Allah bagi, apalah sangat jarak Taiping-Ipoh tu. Saya nekad, pergi je dulu, insyaAllah Dia akan tolong saya balik ke Taiping dengan selamat (saya plan nak balik dengan teksi je tengah malam tu). Dan Alhamdulillah, saya selamat sampai semula ke Taiping pukul 5.40 pagi Jumaat tu dan masuk kerja macam biasa pukul 6.30pagi.. suprisingly, saya tak penat pun oncall semalam walaupun sangat busy and banyak baby tenat di NICU. Waktu nak balik tu, Umi tolong topupkan belanja teksi saya. bila saya kata saya akan bayar balik di kemudian hari, Umi kata pada saya: "bayar balik duit ni dengan keimanan." Huhu.. T_T mampukah saya jadi macam Umi nanti?...

Saya percaya yang Allah SENTIASA SEDIAKAN U-TURN KE JALAN LURUS MENUJU-NYA. Renungi dan hayati ibrah daripada pendosa (bukan setakat kisah kaum-kaum yang dilaknat Allah sahaja tapi juga daripada diri kita sendiri --> pendosa paling tegar di muka bumi Allah ini). Saya percaya selagi ada rasa bersalah, selagi itulah ada peringatan untuk kembali kepada Allah. Jangan putus asa oleh taubat yang patah, kerana kasih-sayang Allah itu akan menumbuhkan taubat kali kedua, ketiga dan seterusnya.. andai hati itu masih hidup..

Hebat kan kasih sayang Allah??

ps: saya dah ada kereta dah akhirnya!! =) masih cuba membiasakan diri dengan jalan-jalan di Taiping. Maaf dah lama tidak menulis.. insyaAllah moga kali ini kita sama-sama dapat ibrah dari setiap peristiwa yang berlaku dalam hidup kita..

cinta di ambang neraka

Alhamdulillah Allah berikan saya ruang kesempatan untuk menyusuri blog2 akhawat yang sangat2 saya sayang dan rindui.. alhamdulillah mereka 'jauh' bergerak dan sentiasa dalam rahmat-Nya.

Within this 3 weeks of working in paeds department, i've comes across quite a few unthinkable and unacceptable mind boggling truth. Saddening, deplorable and nauseatingly inexcusable. I've just ran out of words to describe how much i hate it and hope i will never comes eye to eye with it again, which i'm 100% sure it will never happen at least for the next 10 years onward.

I'm talking about the fact that there is minimum 2 girls average age 14-17 years old admitted to our ward per day for alleged rape case or alleged-consensual-sex-under-age-that is obviously not approved by parents who somehow find a reason to lay the blame on us rather than find the reason how all of this can happen in the first place. And out of 10 cases, at least 8 of it are the consensual case; with all 3 holes penetration. Shocking isn't it? And what's worst is that, they DO NOT HAVE INSIGHT AT ALL. Totally peace at heart. They are the worst possible patients you can never imagine. While we're trying our best to cover them with multiple drugs to prevent them from getting pregnant, STDs and some other venereal disease + getting them psychiatry and social welfare support + surgically repaired back whatsoever part of their bodies that they've injured during the process, so far as i'm concerned, its like bouncing off a ball to the wall at the speed of 250km/hour. The ball hit back at you fast and hard while you're totally unprepared for it. Get what i mean so far??

I've got the experience to help takes blood for DNA test for one 16-years-old-alleged-rape-by unknown man-case yesterday. While her face showed nothing about the brutalilty of it, i pretty sure her soul got maimed in every ways imaginable. My hand trembling so much from the mere look of her bruising hand and i sincerely thanked Him for helping me get the blood in one shot. She get scared easily up to the point of nervous breakdown when a man gets near her, and we have to put 2 policewoman next to her all the time to ensure her she's safe with us. T_T






Kenapa cinta di ambang neraka yang manusia kejar-kejarkan?
Apa kesudahannya pada kenikmatan fizikal yang bersifat sementara cuma.
Why aim for a fleet of moments when there's eternity of life?
I'm not sure whether we're all just plain stupid or simply downright arrogant to the core...

Hidayah tidak akan datang bergolek andai kita tidak mencari.
Adakalanya, apa yang kita perlu buat hanya buka mata dan hati sahaja.
Petunjuk Allah sentiasa ada di sekeliling kita andai kita gunakan mata, telinga dan hati kita dengan sebetulnya.

Jangan tunggu sehingga masa tinggal sedetik cuma.

.....

the way you see it...

Salam semua =)
afwan saya tengah tagging paeds sekarang. 2minggu yang sangat meletihkan dan mencabar kekuatan fizikal (abes Ahad yang akan datang ni). They (the kids) got the SUPERBUG!! orang baru dalam paeds confirm akan sakitnyer bila mula2 masuk.. huhu..

Sekadar nak berkongsi pandangan tentang kedua-dua gambar ni (adik saya yang ambil ^_^).
Rasanya macam jarang orang bagi contoh guna 2-2 ni kan?? Boleh teka tak gambar apa nie?

Yang atas tu DAUN KETUMBAR >> biarlah semangat kita dalam berusaha untuk perkara2 yang baik jadi macam si daun ni.. campaklah ke mana pun.. dari setangkai daun, ia mampu menunaskan berpuluh pohon baru. Kurang air pun masih boleh survive lagi.. Subhanallah, cantiknya ciptaan Allah...

Yang bawah tuh, BUNGA SEMALU. cantik dan comel molek tapi TERLALU PEMALU>> pantang 'disentuh', asyik mengalah saja.. dalam hidup, ada masanya kita perlu tunduk dan ada masanya kita perlu melawan (terhadap manusia of course). Malu itu ada tempatnya. Malu berbuat jahat itu bagus. Malu bermalas-malasan itu pun bagus. Malu pada Allah kerana lebihkan sayang di tempat yang tak sepatutnya tuh lagilah tersangat2lah bagusnya. You get what i mean right???

In life, you can either choose to be winner or you can choose to be losers.
PICK ONE.
and PICK THE RIGHT ONE.

video buat yang tersayang...

video ni ringkas saja.. sesuai dengan keadaan orang yang mebuatnya. but for those who knew me,i really hope you can feel my heart when i'm writing this.

KERINDUAN INI

sekadar mahu berkongsi cerita
1. i've just lost one more dear soul to me. A patient whose more like a mother to me. I've been looking after her more than one month, seeing her struggle with her illnesses that even one disease i cannot imagine how i could've handle it (she had CKD+ IHD+ uncontrolled DM+ HPT + perianal abscess + lower GI bleed + non-functioning colostomy).. satu-satunya hari yang saya tak tersempat menjenguknya, pada waktu dan ketika itulah Allah telah mengambilnya kembali ke sisi-Nya. Moga Allah tempatkan dia bersama mereka2 yang dirahmati.. Amin..

2. saya ada seorang patient lain. She's got the inoperable brain tumour who's left her almost bound to the bed 24-7. The only thing we can do for her is just relieving the headache, nausea and repeated vomiting that she had. Nothing more.Before she left the hospital (since we don't have any active management for her), she took my picture. She said, there'll be so many things that she sure she will forget about, but she wanted to make sure that i'm not one of them.. huhu.. T_T how sweet is that? just a simple moneyless gesture that really made my day.

Kerana mereka, jangankan kata nak mengalah, nak fikirkan pasal tu pun saya tak berani. I've learn so much with them- my patient.

Kepada adik-adik yang bakal jadi doktor, come back fast!! These will be your lifetime experience that i'm sure cannot be trade with anything in the world.

Dan jazakillah juga, dengan kasih-sayang yang Allah kurniakan pada saya melalui para akhawat dan pesakit2 saya.. i'm still here. T_T

doakan saya tsabat di jalan ini. amin.

battle of priority

It has been 3 months.
3 months of utter 'bliss' in surgical department.
3 months of pure silence, helpless struggle for continuously reminding myself why i am here for...

and being a lowly human as i am, as much as i'm ashamed to say it..
the truth is that.. somehow, i lost.
The darker side of me win.
(hopefully not forever..)

Hospital.. a place that should be a constant remembrance of death as often as you breath the air has somehow becomes the first place that reminds me about living it up..
And i guess that is how it all got wrong. Life with no balance turns your world upside down.

In surgical department, sometimes the oncall times can get more than nasty. Your on your own, and patient's life hanging by a thread. A simple mistake you make can cost a life. So far, somehow i've managed to avoid that.. though inevitably, everytime i oncall, there'll be mortality for sure. Till my MO call me the bringer of death. Hah!! Can you imagine that?

I've become numb to death. Lost count of the 'passing' already. Unthinkable yet its true. The novelty of dying somehow harden myself beyond reason. (and i definitely dont want that!) And so here i am. reminding me back of those unforgettable and unexpected farewell moments:

1. the sudden gasping for air as though the whole world has suddenly devoid of those precious air you breath in every single seconds..
   
2. the intractable choking that screams out the hell out of the watchful eyes of the family members despite of the MAXIMUM dosage of midamorphine (sedation) you've given to patient.
3. the eerie sound of life supports machine that suddenly pick that exact time to become effectively defective.
   
4. the unfocus fixed staring eyes that somehow boring right into your soul if you dare looks right past it.
   
5. and the lifeless cold limbs that just a few minutes ago warmthly held on to you...
   

Yes.. saddening but its true. its hard living as a doctor. Harder it seems for me because i currently living myself like a lost sheep without its herd. And A LOST SHEEP I AM. T_T

I've lost ME in the battle of priorities. Ive gained all the wonderful humane's satisfaction form my job but unfortunately, it drowned me deeper into the dungeon of darkness.

There is nothing more shocking than receiving a cold douse of hard reality that knocks you right back to the ground.. and for that i'm eternally grateful that there are still strands of help for me here.

I'm starting my 2 weeks of hell in periphery starting tomorrow. There's giant hurdles i need to overcome.. but insyaAllah.. MY COMEBACK IS ON!!!

What is life without goals right? And what is goals if it doesn't bring you back to HIM? And there is absolutely no one who can help you if you yourself refuse to help yourself. So eventhough it will sound like i'm bragging here.. (and forgive me for that).. i need to say this out loud more for myself... I AM A FIGHTER!!! (AND THANK GOD HE LET ME BE ONE). <3

For my juniors out there, i know Russia is a dangerous playground, but hey.. it is way more dangerous if you end up like me.. (and i'm spoken out of true experience here..)Please be safe no matter where you are..


If God willing.. may He let us meet each other again. Jaga diri baik2 yea.
Apa yang korang semua dapat di sana SANGAT2LAH BERHARGA.. please appreciate it and use your time wisely. Doakan kebaikan dan kesejahteraan kami di sini..

....

tragedy of a man

We always lived our life everyday in contradictory. We said A, and yet what we did is B. We know that something is right, yet somehow our heart denies the truth or better said: REFUSED to accept the truth when there is nothing in it except only the truth. THE TENSION OF OPPOSITES i guess. Betul tak??

" Hati itu lebih cepat berbolak-balik berbanding air panas yang sedang menggelegak "

Time never flew so fast yet i felt it moved so slow. The time has finally come. And THANK HIM THE ALMIGHTY i can finally say: i've been there, done it and pass it!! - successfully i might add ^_@ Tomorrow the whole 24hours insyaAllah will be my last day as an orthopedician housemen. After this, my next posting will be surgery. I became stronger over the times, but not without battle scars along the way. I've learned so much over the 4 month i'm here in ortho. All the ups and down of it. And the best part, ortho gives me a more harden proof that GOD is there with those who sincerely believed in HIM, and HE indeed knows what is good for you. Remember, the famous quote we read in matsurat everyday:

" Allah tidak membebani seseorang kecuali sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala dari apa yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa dari dosa yang dikerjakannnya.."

Over the time, despite all the 'unforgetful distressing nasty memory' i've had in ortho, i am proud to say that I DO LOVED MY MESSED UP ORTHO FAMILY. Loved them so much that i even enjoying doing periphery call for the past 1 week although i was the one who strongly objected and got anxious beyond recall when my MO wanted to put me as one of the 3 periphery housemen. Periphery housemen means you cover all hospital ward (except the three active ortho ward) who have ortho cased during the so called office hour from 8am to 5pm. Being a periphery housemen means you get to work as early as 5.30am in the morning and comes back after 6-7 sometimes even 8pm in the evening. And you have to work a lot!! i get to say that it helps you exercising though. Exercise is good. Good for your body and your fighting spirit.

At times like this, i suddenly missed my friends who 'back-up' so early. How i really wish there were here together with me, together celebrating the day we finally step over the first hurdle of a very long journey of life as a doctor. As a muslim doctor to be exact.

The tragedy of a man is what dies inside him while he lives. Instead of being pushed under all the negative event, why not we choose to revive ourselves and fight against it. Bear in mind that all the difficulties we encounter in life is actually GOD's sign that HE LOVES us.

" tidaklah seorang muslim tertususk duri atau yang lebih teruk dari itu melainkan ditetapkan baginya dengan sebab itu satu darjat dan dihapuskan pula satu kesalahan darinya.."

Jazakillah kepada mereka yang sentiasa memberi semangat secara langsung ataupun tidak langsung. Dalam hidup, tak ada sesiapapun yang tidak ada kena-mengena.. Seluruh alam ini adalah satu sistem yang saling memerlukan. Tanpa salah satu daripadanya, maka pincanglah ia..