confession of a cold hearted monster.

I'm a cold hearted monster. Yup. It's official. I really am a monster. An ugly one I guess. A lurking monster born out of prejudice, some unresolved issue (it's always been about her long strings of intimate relationship with different mans; in our room; while i'm in it too) and a bit some of hatred: the classic triad old flame, small but destructive nevertheless since its always there, never dies and always looking for an exit to show its true dark power within.

I can feel the shame and guilt eating me up like an acid, super fast and painful, attacking my conscience when i woke up at 6, and see her sleeping there in front of our toilet door. On my block mate's doormat to be exact. Near the shoe shelves. It really pains me to see her like that. Having diarrhea for the 3rd day (I think so) and still brave herself to not to go to the hospital.

For someone who knew the pain, the suffering and the horror of it (my digestive tract is not that good either), I can almost 100% tell I'm understand what it feels to be in her shoe for the moment, I can't believe myself that I'm actually capable of turning on a blind eye and a deaf ear to those who desperately in need of something that in a way I can lend my hand to. And I let myself call me a doctor-wanna-be and a muslim!! How could I? I'm not even worth the name I think. It's not that I did not try to help her when she starts having all this stomach pain and loose stool, I did try asking to help her, and so when she answers in a manner that kind of putting me off, I didn't try again.

And so, on this still very dark morning, I have a brief talk with her. Asking her all the symptoms and persuaded her to go to the hospital. She actually did not want to go because of her insurance card is not with her, and she's afraid she have to pay. (In Russia, hospitalization means a very big amount of money if you don't have your insurance card with you and to top it off, you're a foreigner too.) I offered her some money, and my phone to call the ambulance since her credit is insufficient to make a call. She took my phone. And call. It helps lessen up a bit of my guilt.

I'm so sorry for not helping you earlier. I really am. I really hope you gonna be ok soon. Please get well soon. Please know that, despite our differences in life style, beliefs, thinking; and despite the fact that i know somehow we're clearly like water and oil, I never dislike you or hate you for that matters. May you find the true happiness you're looking for.

03/11/08
06:55am