salam rindu dari kejauhan

Dari kejauhan, ya itulah apa yang saya rasakan ketika ini. Kasihan 'rumah burung' saya ini tidak dijenguk hampir 3 minggu lamanya. Pelbagai perkara terjadi yang menyebabkan saya agak 'leka' dalam arus hidup. Mungkin boleh juga dikatakan 'hanyut' agaknya. Life has taken care of me when it should be the other way around. Mungkin kerana regular dose usrah sudah semakin tidak mencukupi. Dah ada tolerance syndrome agaknya. Hehe. Almaklum, dek kerana kekangan masa, dan line internet Kahov yang sangatlah tidak stabilnya (you can almost kiss it good bye every single night), kemanisan ukhuwah yang ada semakin terasa pudarnya. (but not too worry, we'll fight for it.)


Saya minta maaf kerana dah lama tidak update apa2 entry di blog ini. Rasa malu melihat coretan mantap adik2 yang kekal gigih berjuang di medan dakwah. Minta maaf juga kerana kebelakangan ini, rasanya blog saya ini dah jadi ' my public diary space'.If that's what it takes for me to writes again and be inspired by life (not taken in by life), I guess a glimpse of my unceremoniously-not-so-hectic-life is ok, or perhaps it can be forgiven ( in reality, I don't want this blog to turn into a REAL PUBLIC DIARY though).


Sepanjang 3 minggu ini, kesihatan saya tidak sebagus yang diharapkan. Kadang2 diarrhea, kadang2 demam, kadang2 selsema. It varies. Sepanjang tempoh ini, ada banyak perkara yang bermain dalam fikiran saya. Banyak episod dalam hidup saya yang saya muhasabahkan kembali. Mencerna semula apa maknanya setiap perbuatan yang saya lakukan. Mengambil langkah terbaik mengatasi setiap masalah yang timbul. Cuba membina asas hubungan yang lebih baik dan kukuh. Gigih mengekalkan tautan hati yang sedia terjalin seerat2nya. Dalam kesibukan saya dengan usrah, ini antara perkara yang saya terlepas pandang. Kesibukan belajar, masalah dengan roomate, ditambah dengan kesihatan badan yang tidak seberapa, membuat saya terasa penat, dan ingin lari walau sebentar cuma ke satu dunia di mana masa seolah-olah berhenti sejenak (which of course it won't), duduk dan memandang hidup dan dunia ini dari pandangan orang ketiga ( sort of detachment exercise).The world which exist when i'm absorb in good books, books which make me laugh, cry, and towards the end feeling utterly satisfied and lucky that I've learnt something good out of it (something which I don't know or I already knew but need remembrance). The feeling that will help me get through all those nwelcome dark feelings inside. (plus doa yang berterusan of course).


Kalau dulu, sebelum saya jumpa nikmat indahnya keluarga yang berasaskan akidah islamiah yang jitu ini, semakin stress saya, semakin banyaklah anime/movie yang saya tengok. (oopss.. bukan nak mengiklankan kefasikan di sini.. ampun yea.. ^_^). Sekarang saya cuba 'hilangkan diri' dalam sesuatu yang membina, dan mentafsir mengikut kaca mata islam. Ambil yang baik, tinggalkan yang buruk. Sibukkan diri dengan sesuatu yang berfaedah. Sentiasa bersyukur walau dalam sengsara. Dan jangan cepat marah (penting tuh!!).


Alkisahnya, roomate saya ada bf baru, considered a good catch jika dinilai dari kaca mata manusia. Saya balik petang itu dengan rasa letih yang teramat. Sebu perut dan sakit kepala. Melihat ada 'aksi panas' di bilik, saya rasa bagai nak meletup. Kerana penat sangat, saya tertidur di atas katil, dengan harapan apabila saya terjagadi tengah malam, 'putera' itu sudah balik ke tempat asalnya. Malangnya, pucuk yang dicita tidak kunjung datang, ulam apatah lagi. Lelaki itu bermastautin di bilik saya sehinggalah ke petang esoknya. Memang remuk-rendamlah jiwa 2 hari tu. Panas kepala berselubung hampir 48 jam non-stop. Saya terfikir mungkin saya boleh dapat peptic ulcer due to extensive continuos stress (woman prone to have ulcers due to stress). Hehehe. Mujur bercakap dengan abah menyejukkan hati saya. Setelah berfikir semasak-masaknya, saya ambil keputusan untuk bertaaruf lagi dengan Joyce. (kami memang tidak berapa bercakap sangat). Saya tanyakan perihal keluarganya, negaranya, apa plan hidupnya, buat lawak sket2 dan akhirnya barulah masuk pasal current boyfriendnya.


Rupanya bf nya tu belajar di PFU (sebab tinggal jauh, maka kenalah tidur di bilik kami kalau datang melawat), dan the best suprise is: Joyce minta maaf kerana tidak bagitahu in advance dan juga kerana dia tahu saya tidak suka ada lelaki di bilik sehingga tengah malam apatah lagi tidur di situ. All things clear, and the least thing I can do is forgive and move on. Kan penat hidup dengan hati yang marah. Tak baik untuk kesihatan mental dan tubuh badan. Saya cuba berfikir dari pihak Joyce. Betapa dia sendiri pun sudah cukup bertolak-ansur dengan saya dalam aktiviti saya menyekat kebahagiaan mereka 'berumah-tangga' ni. Hehe. Kalau cara fikir dan cara idup pun memang dah totally opposite, paling2 pun kenalah pandai compromise with each other, betul x?


Saya selalu rasa macam kami ni sebenarnya old married couple (yang tak happy of course), who doesn't know each other that much, never bothers to actually really knowing the person you're married into, cannot stand the thoughts of sleeping in the same room and both goes in separate ways; but if something bad happens, still care and come back for rescue. Maybe this is the practical tarbiah cara hidup berkeluarga untuk saya agaknya. Hehe. (Sebab saya dah rasa contoh keluarga yang baik, ini kira jadi contoh keluarga yang tak baiklah konon-kononnya. hehe). Bukan ke by experience, kita lebih faham dan mengerti?


Apa sekalipun, saya lebih suka mendapat keampunan dan kasih-sayang Allah dengan memaafkan dan berlapang dada. Dalam satu hadis Nabi Muhammad saw: "orang-orang yang penyayang akan disayangi Allah. Maka, sayanglah kamu kepada penghuni bumi, nescaya kamu disayangi penghuni langit."


# ps: dalam tempoh 3 minggu ini, saya dapat habiskan baca 7 buah buku pelbagai genre but mostly on heavy and dark stuff. Best dan sangat menyentuh hati. insyaAllah lain kali saya tulis edikit ringkasan tentang buku2 ini.

So am I.... (rated 18PG)

Her small delicate frame body lay still on my lap. Cold. Rigid. Bruised all over. Unresponsive. Lifeless. All things surround me are fast forgotten. Her once startling bright blue eyes that always looked at me tenderly now turned ash grey as life is forever leaving her.

I could not believe how short-lived our live is. One second you feel like you're on top of the world, like everything is finally going your way and there is definitely nothing that could stop you from getting what you want out of life. Next thing you know, you're end up lying on the cold greenish morgue table, ready to be cut up for autopsy like a cold dead unwanted fish ready to be tossed out the window. In fact, you're really is one. Cold and dead. With nothing to hold onto.




I can't seem to keep myself together. After what had happen, how could I? How would you react if your own 10-years old sweet daughter end up being butchered, raped, murdered, and toss out somewhere near the dump? The only reason left for me to keep on living is to find the perperator no matter where he is, dead or alive. Haunt him down. Make he feels the same way as I do or even worse. Make sure he pays for every drop of blood and tears he caused my daughter to spill. More or less, that's what being playing in my mind, like some camcorder that won't goes off on its own unless the battery is finally dead, or in my case, my own life to be exact. How shallow my life is after her death. I'm practically a living zombie. Remorseful, full of hatred and unresolved anger pent up inside of me.

Somebody suggested I should go to see a psychiatrist. Let them talk me out of my own misery. Help me used up all my destructive energy for something useful, something positive. Someone suggest me go and talk to someone who lives the same hell like I do. Or better yet, go somewhere else and starts life anew. I could only laugh out loud at their ideas. Do they think it will be that easy to forget? Much less to forgive? Humph..I wonder.. My thought is much simpler: let him rot in hell!! But before he does, let me give him some of the taste beforehand.

And so, 6 months slowly passed and yet I'm still mourning over her. I finally have the courage to sift through her old books and stuff inside the small colorful room of hers. Somehow, I know deep in my heart, she will want me to move on. I've got to start somewhere, shouldn't I? My younger sister offered to help clear the room before, but I know, if I want a definite closure, this is what I should do myself.

I remember she always had been a bookworm, always had been fascinated with all the small details written inside every single books she can read to, and keep on telling me how much she wants to be a writer later on. I suspect she already begun writing one. While shifting through her most favorites little pink fairy tale story book, I finally found the 'peace' I've needed so much. Her one long notes, in big scrawny readable letters written 2 days before her death. It says:


To mama: (please read this when i'm not around, for I'm sure you'll be mad at me after you read this).


I went to the blue mosque again last Wednesday. The time when i told you I want to eat that particular big O-Jelly from the Q-store. I take a quick peek inside the mosque since I was curious what's inside it that always makes you hate me so much for going there.

I met this old thin man with a very long white beard inside. I ask him: "is there any chance for me to see your God today since ours is only available on Sunday? He asks me back: "why would I need to see Him?". Then I told him, I want some help from his God to help you. (please don't be mad at me). I told him that you're always angry at God for making your life and mine difficult, and you never actually believe in Him in the first place. The old man said that you can't be angry with God if you don't believe in Him in the first place. He also told me that God is actually always there with us every step of the way, listen to and knows what's already in our heart. If only we can open up our heart, talks to Him, and confine in Him, then and only then can we feel the inner peace that we so wanted to. We should have faith in Him, and embrace Him in our life. He- the One and Only, the Ruler of the universe and the Almighty.

I don't know why, but what he said kinda stuck in my head. I saw him reading some book. I'll ask him if I could borrow it for a while. And he said ok. He told me that the book is the words of God, his truly ultimate long love letter to His creation, and I can find all sorts of thing in it. He told me to read it slowly, and asks him back if I don't understand anything. I already read some of it. From the back coz it's shorter, and in translations since I cannot understand the Arabic.

I loved this one short story because somehow I can feel it's relating to me:

"In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

By the glorious morning light
And by the night when it is still
Your Guardian Lord has not forsaken you nor is He displease
and verily the hereafter is better for you than the present
and soonly, your Guardian Lord will give you that (all goods)
so that you will be well pleased.
Did He not find you an orphan and gave you shelter?
and He found you wandering and He gives you guidance?
Therefore, treat not the orphan with harshness
nor repulse the petitioner
and the bounty of your Lord, proclaimed.


Oh, how I wish for you to read this book too! It might help you cool off a bit. I hate to see you so angry all the time. Please find it in your heart to forgive daddy for leaving us. I believe that God has something else good stored for us. If not in this life, maybe in the hereafter. I just want you to feel the same thing like I do when i read this book. I've started to talk to Him too. The old man said: it's called Du'a. He told me that a muslim prays to God 5 times per day, and after that you can ask all those thing that you want from Him, although in reality, you can actually talk to Him anytime you want to. Isn't that great? He's there 24-7 for us!!!

ps: please please please don't get mad at me. Like you always said- I want the best things for you. (actually I want you to have THE BEST THINGS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!).

double ps: I love you mama!! And He (God) loves you too!! (that i'm sure of). XXOO from me.


Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt like choking up. My 10 years old daughter was more sober up than me, and she finds the true peace on her own! I instantly know that she is fine up there, with Him as her sole guidance. I picked up the 'book' that my daughter clearly so fond of before she died. Later that night, before going to sleep, with her notes and the book clutched safely to my chest, I've said slowly to myself: " Dear Haley, I know now why you look so calm and serene despite all the brutal blows that you suffered from. You have found Him, and thank Him, that I can finally say, so am I. So am I.... "


T_T

confession of a cold hearted monster.

I'm a cold hearted monster. Yup. It's official. I really am a monster. An ugly one I guess. A lurking monster born out of prejudice, some unresolved issue (it's always been about her long strings of intimate relationship with different mans; in our room; while i'm in it too) and a bit some of hatred: the classic triad old flame, small but destructive nevertheless since its always there, never dies and always looking for an exit to show its true dark power within.

I can feel the shame and guilt eating me up like an acid, super fast and painful, attacking my conscience when i woke up at 6, and see her sleeping there in front of our toilet door. On my block mate's doormat to be exact. Near the shoe shelves. It really pains me to see her like that. Having diarrhea for the 3rd day (I think so) and still brave herself to not to go to the hospital.

For someone who knew the pain, the suffering and the horror of it (my digestive tract is not that good either), I can almost 100% tell I'm understand what it feels to be in her shoe for the moment, I can't believe myself that I'm actually capable of turning on a blind eye and a deaf ear to those who desperately in need of something that in a way I can lend my hand to. And I let myself call me a doctor-wanna-be and a muslim!! How could I? I'm not even worth the name I think. It's not that I did not try to help her when she starts having all this stomach pain and loose stool, I did try asking to help her, and so when she answers in a manner that kind of putting me off, I didn't try again.

And so, on this still very dark morning, I have a brief talk with her. Asking her all the symptoms and persuaded her to go to the hospital. She actually did not want to go because of her insurance card is not with her, and she's afraid she have to pay. (In Russia, hospitalization means a very big amount of money if you don't have your insurance card with you and to top it off, you're a foreigner too.) I offered her some money, and my phone to call the ambulance since her credit is insufficient to make a call. She took my phone. And call. It helps lessen up a bit of my guilt.

I'm so sorry for not helping you earlier. I really am. I really hope you gonna be ok soon. Please get well soon. Please know that, despite our differences in life style, beliefs, thinking; and despite the fact that i know somehow we're clearly like water and oil, I never dislike you or hate you for that matters. May you find the true happiness you're looking for.

03/11/08
06:55am